remember {111/365}


February 4/1934 – April 21/2005

Five years ago today, I lost my Mom.

I held onto her and told her she could go. I told her it was okay.

She died in my arms.

I had no idea at the time just how damaging that experience would be and how it would turn my world inside out. The heartbreaking grief of losing her was made almost unbearable by the constant replaying of that scene, over and over again in my head. For years.

And still to this day.

Knowing in my head and my heart that there was nowhere else I would’ve wanted, needed, to be at that moment in time did little to erase the almost soul destroying fallout.

It’s been a hard five years. A very long road. And those that know me, know that I didn’t walk it very well.

But here I am.



And possibly a better woman for it.

I love you Mom, and miss you every single day.

  • Nat
    Posted at 00:56h, 22 April Reply

    *hugs* I can’t believe it’s been 5 years already :(
    .-= Nat´s last blog ..RT 2010 Winners =-.

    • janice
      Posted at 09:14h, 22 April Reply

      Me either, but then sometimes it seems like forever.

  • Sue C
    Posted at 09:32h, 22 April Reply

    I understand your pain and lingering grief. I lost both of my parents, 2 years apart. I held them both when it was time and like you, I would not have been anywhere else. I know that it hurt to tell them that it was okay to leave, but not nearly as bad as knowing that I had no choice.

  • sherry
    Posted at 09:35h, 22 April Reply

    I also know that same pain, Playing it over and over in your head, That wont ever go away Jan but either will the Joy and wonderful memmories that they brought you be still in your heart, And just knowing there pain is finally gone brings peace.
    Sher xo

  • Louisiana Belle
    Posted at 10:32h, 22 April Reply

    Your post is so touching. My mother has Parkinson’s and I’m dreading the coming days. I’m so sorry for your loss and your pain.
    .-= Louisiana Belle´s last blog ..Day 110: Happy =-.

  • Robin
    Posted at 13:24h, 22 April Reply

    .-= Robin´s last blog ..Just Happened =-.

  • Tug
    Posted at 19:27h, 22 April Reply

    ((Hugs)), much love & many prayers to you… I still replay my last moments with my brother and it will be 28 years next month.
    .-= Tug´s last blog ..Beans =-.

  • S.
    Posted at 19:57h, 22 April Reply

    I remember when she passed away. I can’t believe it’s been 5 years.

    Hugs to you, sweetie.

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